"PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS for 1996"

These predictions are taken from the December 5, 1995 issue of the Sun. They have three "psychics" give us their predictions for the coming year. Below you'll find three lists of predictions, organized by the psychic who came up with them. In this way, we'll be able to see if one psychic is better (or worse) than the other two. Additionally, my comments are presented in brackets ([]). So, in the order the Sun presented them:

Marva Konstanov

"Marvelous Marva" is described as "the famous Russian psychic who was imprisoned in 1988 when she predicted the collapse of the Soviet Union." Marva's a bit...obsessed with space, it seems. Most of the events she predicts will happen in orbit. Marva doesn't seem overly grounded, herself.

• Shania Twain and Dolly Parton (the country stars) will leave music to marry twin brothers in an "internationally televised ceremony from Graceland." Oh yeah, but first they'll leave the people they're with, now. [Who cares? I probably won't be able to verify this one, myself, because I wouldn't know if they dropped dead tomorrow.]
• An American astronaut will give birth to a baby girl during a six month mission on Mir. [Well, now that Ms. Lucid has come home from Mir, I think the odds are slipping for this one.]
• An "herbal compound" is discovered that restores hair overnight, but it is recalled in less than six months because it causes growth of facial and body hair when used more than twice.
• Republicans, unable to settle on a candidate, choose Rush Limbaugh as their representative in the '96 presidential race. He picks Sony Bono [!!] to be his VP. [Does she just make up the weirdest things she can think of? - Also, this one looks failed. Dole's got it wrapped up.]
• The South Pacific island nation of Tonga, using parts from the Russian space program, launches a manned moon rocket. They don't take enough fuel, though, so the US mounts a mission to save them. [Second space one.]
• In late September, a radio telescope "that covers half the Nevada desert" [Say what?] discovers intelligent life on a planet "circling a small star only seven lightyears from Earth." [Third space one]
• Seeds from "a rare lotus plant found only in southwestern China", combined with the yew tree, provide a miracle cure for AIDS.
• Baseball players stike again, resulting "in the disbanding of both American and National baseball leagues."
• The NFL owners sell their teams to the players because they are losing too much money.
• Sylvester Stallone runs for mayor of Philadelphia. [Is there a mayorial election in Philly this year?]
• "...Lance Ito is named new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court." [Yeah, right.]

Helena Montapoulous

Greek "Psychic: Helena" is supposedly "Aristotle Onasis' personal psychic." A lot of her predictions are suprisingly believable, but every now and then, she just goes completely off the deep end.

• People finally get sick of tabloid talk shows, and knock Jenny Jones, Geraldo, Donahue, A Current Affair and Inside Edition off the air. Oprah continues to prosper, however. [Except for that last, a prediction we can all get behind! - And one that is doing well, so far - A Current Affair has been cancelled, I here.]
• Five million seniors march on Washington, DC to protest Social Security and Medicare benefit cuts. A 78 year old grandmother "floors" a policeman, causing law enforcement to give them the run of the House of Representatives. The protest continues until Newt Gingrich resigns.
• OJ is mugged while jogging in Brentwood. His throat is cut, and though he survives, he is unable to talk. [Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.]
• Bob Hope and George Burns "announce" a world tour. [Doesn't say they go through with it. Also seems unlikely with Mr. Burns being dead and all.]
• "An early Beatle[s] song never before performed by the Fab Four is discovered in a Liverpool attic." [If it's never been performed by them, where did it come from?]
• "Three Russian scientists" say that cockroaches are intelligent aliens who populated Earth from Mars five million years ago. [Those wacky Soviet scientists!]
• Massive doses of the hormone melatonin [recently renowned for letting old people sleep easily] reverses the ages of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin more than twenty years. [Boy, they'll sure need a hell of a dose to reverse the effects of Dean Martin's aging now that he's dead!]
• "Egg whites blended with roasted garlic and stewed California avocados" turns out to be a cure for arthritis.
• An Iranian Gnostic preacher attracts followers from all major religions Helena Montapoulous has ever heard of, and claims humans are reborn fallen angels who are imprisoned on Earth to pay for our disobeying God.
• A Canadian researcher claims to have lived in a Bigfoot village for more then two years. Shy, nonagressive Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were an early form of man "that lived more than a million years ago." [He goes on to write a book called Bigfooted Like Me which causes a serious reconsideration of the way we treat bigfeet in society.]

Mary Ellen Jones

Mary Ellen Jones is "considered the reincarnaion of Edgar Cayce by her million-plus followers." One million idiots can't all be wrong, eh?

• The Virgin Mary appears to an outdoor concert in Washington, DC. She scolds Americans and warns us that we'll be ravaged by three deadly plagues if we don't shape up by 2000. [Three plagues? Lessee, AIDS, arthritis and cancer. Oh, wait, those'll all be cured, next year.]
• It's found that cancer can be cured by figs grown only in a remote Sicilian valley. [See, that's three!]
• An ancient manuscript is found in a cave in the French Alps which claims that Christ's cruxifiction was staged. Jesus supposedly then went on to marry Mary Magdalene and then lived the rest of his life in southern France, where he had seven children. The eldest was Joshua, who penned the discovered text. [That's a pretty serious blow to Christianity, isn't it? "Christmas cancelled: Joseph confessed."]
• "Astronomers using a special film and the Huble Space Telescope capture photos of angels a million miles tall playing catch among the stars." [The Hubble Telescope doesn't use film! *grumble*]
• Russian police announce that a vampire who has killed thousands since 1920 is heading to the US with a small army of undead. [What's with the Russians, anyway? Babies on Mir, cockroaches, vampires...]
• The Chinese announce that a wine containing embryos of a Southeast Asian spotted lizard cures the common cold [Or is that the third plague?]. Americans decide the cure is worse than the disease.
• "A British tabloid claims Hillary Clinton has maintained a 30 year love affair with an old college flame" and that Bill has known about it a long time.
• Susan Smith (who drowned her children) breaks out of prison after her exhusband announces that he'll marry his pregnant girlfriend.

And that's it. I'll be impressed if they hit a 20% success rate. What did a learn from this article? Well, two things. The Russians are weird. And, at least in the picture they have, Phil Donahue looks an awful lot like New Gingrich. Weird, huh?

If you're interested in things like this, I also have the Sun's BIBLE PREDICTIONS FOR 1995 review.